How to Truly Listen (Especially to Your Partner)
The skill that strengthens love, trust, and connection that no one talks about!
This guide breaks down how to connect deeply with your partner through empathy, validation, and presence.
The Most Underrated Skill in a Relationship
If there’s one thing that can make or break a relationship, it’s how well you listen.
Not half listening while waiting to talk, not problem solving mid sentence, but actually listening.
When your partner opens up to you with an emotion, that moment is sacred. What they need most isn’t a fix. It’s to feel seen, heard, and understood.
If you’re anything like me, your knee jerk reaction is to give your thoughts and solutions.
However, Feeling understood often is the solution. Most people are rarely need advice because they usually have all they need to solve their problems. Emotions can just block us from logic.
Unsolicited advice will ruin the moment and cause your partner (or anyone) to close up because they don’t feel you understand their unique point of view. (More on this later)
1. When They Speak, Suspend All Thought
Real listening starts with silence, not just the absence of sound, but the absence of mental noise.
That means:
Don’t plan what you’ll say next.
Don’t analyze or judge their words. (~Think~)
Don’t rush to fix anything.
Just be there.
Listen as if it’s the first time they’ve ever shared something important because, for them, it is.
This level of attention says:
“You matter more to me than my thoughts right now.”
2. Show That You’re Listening
You can say nothing and still communicate everything.
Listening looks like:
Eye contact. It tells them you’re fully present.
Simple sounds of acknowledgment. (“Yeah,” “Oh,” “I get that.”)
Matching their emotional tone. If they’re sad, sit in that sadness with them. If they’re frustrated, let them see you understand it.
That’s called empathy — the ability to feel with someone.
When you sit with them in their emotion, you create space where they can finally breathe. Dr. Covey, from 7HoHEP, calls it "Psychological air"“.
P.S. You don’t have to agree with them. It’s just acknowledging that if you were them, with all of their thoughts, beliefs and experiences, you would feel the same way; thus minimizing their emotions with a “don’t worry” or “you’re fine!” is not helpful.
3. Never Give Unsolicited Advice
Even if you know what might help, don’t say it unless they ask.
Unwarranted advice often feels like criticism it’s like saying, “You can’t handle this on your own.”
What they actually need first is support and validation:
“That makes total sense given what you’ve been through.”
“If I saw things the way you do, I’d feel the same way.”
This doesn’t mean you agree with everything. It means you understand how it feels from their POV and that’s what matters most.
4. Rephrase What You Heard (And Pair It With Emotion)
Stephen Covey said it best:
“Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
A powerful tool for doing that is by “rephrasing the content and reflecting the emotion”:
“So you felt ignored when that person didn’t acknowledge you at dinner.”
This activates both sides of the brain, logic and emotion, and shows that you get it.
When people are emotional they can be irrational; listening still matters regardless if people are rational or not. If they want your opinion they will likely ask given the trust they feel since you are caring enough to listen. At that point you can share different ways to approach the problem.
5. Understanding Heals More Than Advice Ever Will
Most people don’t need a solution. Once they feel understood, they can usually find the answer themselves.
Your role isn’t to fix their pain; it’s to witness it and help them feel understood.
And in doing that, you give them something deeper than advice; you give them peace.
6. How to Offer Support and Be Encouraging
Once someone feels heard, the next step is support, not through fixing, but through more presence, empathy, and belief.
Here’s how to offer that kind of support:
Ask how you can support them. “Do you want comfort, advice, or just someone to listen?” Respect their answer.
Reassure them they’re not alone. “I’m here for you.” “You don’t have to go through this by yourself.”
Follow up later. Check in. It shows you care beyond the moment.
Support is not about doing more, it’s about being more understanding, patient, and emotionally available.
How to Be Genuinely Encouraging
Encouragement is belief. It’s reminding someone of their strength when they’ve forgotten it.
Here’s how to do it well:
Believe in them and let them feel it. Say, “You’ve handled hard things before,” or, “You always find a way through.”
Acknowledge effort, not just results. “I see how hard you’re trying.” Effort based praise builds resilience, not pressure.
Validate before you motivate. Meet them where they are: “That sounds hard,” before saying, “But I know you’ll figure it out.”
Be specific. Point out what you admire: “The way you handled that conversation showed real patience.”
Speak possibility, not pressure. “You can do this,” instead of, “You have to do this.”
Be calm and steady. Real encouragement doesn’t shout, it reassures: “Whatever happens, I’m with you.”
Keep showing up. Encouragement means being consistent. Check in, celebrate progress, remind them of who they are.
At its core, encouragement is lending someone your belief until they rediscover their own.
Recap
When someone opens their heart to you, especially your partner, the most loving thing you can do is listen, support, and encourage.
Here’s the full framework:
Listen first. Suspend your thoughts, stay present, and let them feel seen.
Show empathy. Eye contact, gentle nods, and match their emotion.
Validate. Acknowledge their feelings without judging or trying to fix them.
Reflect what you hear. Rephrase their words and reflect the emotion behind them to show true understanding.
Avoid giving advice unless asked. Support doesn’t mean solving; it means standing beside them.
Offer reassurance. Remind them they’re not alone and that you’re with them through it.
Encourage gently. Believe in them out loud. Acknowledge their effort, not just results.
Speak possibility, not pressure. “You can do this” goes further than “You have to.”
Keep showing up. True encouragement is consistent and follows up.
Listening creates connection.
Support builds trust.
Encouragement restores strength.
Together, they form the foundation that makes people feel safe, valued, and understood.
“Being heard is so close to being loved that, for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.”
— David W. Augsburger
It’s a continous practice to truly listen! Listening is an act of love. It’s proof that you care enough to pause your world for theirs. Good luck!
TLDR;
1. Shut up
2. Make them feel understood
3. When they are understood ask them what they need.
4.Do all of that with care.
