How to Win with Marriage: Mastering the Emotional Bank Account
Why Most Relationships Struggle (and How to Avoid It)
Think about your relationship like a bank account. Every positive action you take — kindness, listening, support — is a deposit. Every negative action — criticism, neglect, broken promises — is a withdrawal.
If your account is in the red, things feel tense, frustrating, even hopeless. Just like with money, emotional debt can be repaired. With steady deposits and intentional effort, you can rebuild trust and connection, no matter how bad things feel right now.
This concept comes from The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (Dr. Stephen Covey) and is reinforced in He Wins, She Wins by Dr. Willard Harley. It completely changed the way I view relationships.
Step 1: Stop Making Withdrawals & Master friendships
Before anything else, stop overdrawing the account., that means:
Don’t be annoying. Small irritations add up fast.
Seek to understand. Be present with they’re feelings about situations.
Be respectful. No yelling, name-calling, or belittling.
Win-win agreements only. Both parties are enthusiastic about the decision being made.
Even if you’re not pouring in big deposits yet, just minimizing withdrawals can create peace, stability and companionship as a baseline.
Step 2: Learn What Counts as a Deposit for Your Partner (and Spark Romancé)
Not every deposit looks the same. What feels meaningful to you may not matter to your partner.
In his book His Needs, Her Needs, Dr. Willard Harley identifies ten core emotional needs that can make or break a marriage. He explains that while both men and women value all of them, men often prioritize certain ones, and women tend to prioritize others.
Here’s a simplified breakdown with some of my own notes:
Men commonly rank these needs highest:
Sexual Fulfillment – Feeling desired and connected physically is central to many men’s sense of love.
Recreational Companionship – Men enjoy sharing activities with their partner. It’s not just about permission to go do something fun; it’s about doing it together.
An Attractive Spouse – Appearance and self-care matter. It’s less about perfection and more about intentional effort.
Domestic Support – A comfortable home environment and partnership in daily responsibilities can be a huge deposit.
Admiration – Respect, appreciation, and encouragement mean everything. Criticism, on the other hand, feels like a withdrawal.
Women commonly rank these needs highest:
Affection – Simple gestures of love (a hug, holding hands, words of warmth) often mean more than grand displays.
Conversation – Women feel deeply connected through regular, open, and meaningful communication.
Honesty & Openness – Trust thrives when everything is on the table. Secrets and avoidance drain the account fast.
Financial Support – Security and stability are deposits that show reliability and care.
Family Commitment – Women want their partner fully engaged in raising children and creating a thriving family life.
Harley’s research shows a simple truth: unmet emotional needs put marriages at risk. If a need isn’t met inside the relationship, there’s always a temptation to meet it elsewhere — whether through work, friends, distractions, or even affairs.
That’s why knowing your partner’s top three needs is one of the most valuable things you can do. Ask them directly. Compare notes. Then commit to consistent deposits in the areas that matter most.
Step 3: Take 100% Responsibility
Here’s the hard truth: your relationship is a mirror. What you give is what you get back. If you wait for your partner to change first, you’ll wait forever.
If you show up selfish, your partner reflects that.
If you lead with generosity, they often mirror it.
If you take full ownership of the energy you bring, your relationship will follow.
Change starts with you. Always. I learned this from Darren Hardy in his book The Compound Effect.
Step 4: Guard Against Emotional Bankruptcy
When emotional accounts run into debt, couples face real risks: affairs, addictions, or quiet disconnection. Just like living off credit cards, you can only run on withdrawals for so long before things collapse.
Practical safeguards:
Check in regularly. Don’t wait until it’s too late. Ask: Are your needs being met? What can I do better?
Catch small problems early. One honest conversation can save years of hurt.
Respect boundaries. Don’t grip too tight, but don’t let the rope go slack either.
Step 5: Master Communication
The foundation of deposits is communication. Dr. Covey’s golden rule: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
Listen with your whole attention — not to fix, but to understand and connect.
Validate feelings: “That makes sense given what you went through. Anyone would feel that way.”
Be present. Sometimes the greatest deposit is simply sitting in the moment without needing to solve anything.
“Rephrase the content and reflect the emotion , then have the courage to be understood” -Dr. Covey
When someone is emotional this is NOT a time to give advice, “probe”, nor share your perspective unless asked when so
Good communication turns everyday moments into steady deposits!
Final Word: Be a Giver, but Don’t Empty Yourself
Love works best when given freely, not traded like a business deal. But don’t confuse giving with self-sacrifice to the point of burnout. Fill your own cup first (health, rest, action towards your purpose), then give abundantly from the overflow. (Remember win/win, not lose/win nor win/lose nor lose/lose).
Call to Action
Start today:
Write down the top 3 deposits that matter most to your partner.
Write down the top 3 withdrawals and commit to reducing them.
Schedule one honest check-in 1 week from now about how you did meeting each other’s needs and what you could do better.
Small, consistent deposits compound into a lifetime of trust and joy.
“The greatest relationships are built on small acts of love, repeated daily.” – Stephen R. Covey
P.S.
This post is different than all of the other “advice” online written about how to deal with problems in a relationship. I’ll sum them up for you, they all say leave the relationship! So much can be done to change the trajectory of a relationship before calling it quits! Leaving temporarily solves the problem but people end up in similar situations because they never improved their behavior.
In real cases of abuse and violence the victim should leave!
